And so it begins

or actually it ends.  this end is only the beginning of something else.  what to do when you feel you’ve lost your best friend.  what to do when you feel that you lost something great and precious.

all i can do is cry. is cry. is cry. is cry.

inside im dying a little each passing moment.  the phone is off.  the lights off.  the tears streaming.  when you cry so hard you lose your breath.  thats me.  thats today.  thats now.

tears are burning my eyes.  burning my face.  its been coming  we all knew this.  i was never good enough.  but now.  now.  now.

well.

 

now.

happy valentines to all those with a broken heart, red eyes and tears, and who need a hug.  i know how you feel.  i too miss my true true truest love.

how to fight fair

i suppose both sides need gloves.  and protective gear.  the punches hurt.  a laceration will heal in a fortnight but cuts from words last a lifetime.  so maybe there is no protective gear that can surround the heart or the mind.

weapons.  i bring mine but too often i didnt bring enough.  no matter my position it seems i will become the dragon and be slain each.  and.  every.  time.  ideally it would be a one to one punch but while i lay here in a pool of my own blood shocked and awed by yet another defeat i realize that no.  no one fights fair.

me: when x happens it makes me feel z.

wolf: you dont need to worry about x.  you need to look in the mirror and think about a b c d e f g h i j k l m and n.  stab.  cut.  tear.  rip.  destroy.

me: dies a slow death

 

game  set  match

 

circle circle dot dot

walking running driving faster i just go in circles.  the twists of the tongue and the breaks of the heart lend it self to the knowledge that i am stuck in a lemniscate.  you think youre making progress but really youre at the beginning again.

red eyes and tears give strength to move and change.  i must be a masochist.  to repeat a pattern of pain especially inflicted from another.  i simply must.

the end is the beginning is the end

im lying alone with my head on the phone
thinking of you till it hurts
i know you hurt too but what else can we do
tormented and torn apart

Waving hi on the today show

if it were me who would i be waving hi to.  who would look for me to say hello.  who would be worth the time the cold the trouble of waiting until the camera pans my way.  does this even matter.  one day if i take the time i hope youre watching.

fear. excitement. falling down.

there are days where your heavy words keep me down.  down.  down. down. is where i will stay.  sometimes if you dont pick me up then down is where i will stay.  a quick hot temper has been met with my patience kindness understanding.  but all good things come to an end.  your patience for me is running out and my patience for you is at its end.  i wonder when the bell will strike its final hour and we lose something so precious because of your blind anger.  and if you even hint at not wanting me my flame of love will go out faster than the moons rays on the cloudy night sky leading you home.

you my purpose

I hope you play hard to get because that’s how the best love stories begin.  May I mean nothing to you… or may you see me as only a friend.  We can surprise the world with our unexpected love.  We can join the few to become the definition of beauty.  I just know that I’m insane because you are all I’m living for cause I am writing to someone who I may never find.  I’ll hope for you.  I’ll love you always.  You, my purpose.

if. when. maybe never.

why do you hold the key to all of this.  my future lies in your hands and youre so quick to throw it and me away.  i cry.  i have cried.  i will cry.  but now it is different.  the tears are hot.  they sting.  they burn.  my heart cries out to you like a lost soul in the night.  the decisions made in blind rage will break us both.  its not casual now.  its not so easy now.  and i.  no not i am so disposable.  i curse my love for being unconditional.  i curse my life for giving me a loose tongue.  i bite my tongue in regret.  in remorse.  i stand on a teetering edge tattered and torn with you the only thing to save me.  i slip and fall and you let me go.  and i was right all along.  falling in love is devastating.  heartbreaking.  painful.  and bloody.  when you finally hit the ground.  i never needed you to.  i still dont need you to.  and its okay if you never love me.  but please do not pretend that my love for you is not true.  not real.  not present in our every day life.  not something you can feel.  not something that resonates in everything that i do.  for you.  for us.  to do so negates me as a person.  wholly.  i dont want to believe this is the end.  and if i am right.  then i know it will not be the last.  and the difference is that i will be here waiting with open arms to work it out.  if you will have me.  if.  when.  maybe never.

too much

check off those boxes that i fulfill.  despite it all it doesnt add up.  you make me realize that your expectations are too high.  i can satisfy everything on paper but in reality ill never be enough.  what are you doing.  why are you doing.  where will the pieces fall.  through my hands im almost certain.  prove me wrong.

light

hope.  future.  tomorrow.  a new dawn.  thats what you are to me could be to me.