one last thought

Life is never going to be perfect. Nothing is ever going to go the way you planned. You can lay your path but you have to be open to the diversions that come along and integrate them. If you continue down your path alone, once you get where you’re going and have achieved your goals you’ll be alone. And if we really believe that the relationships and families that we create are the measures our success how can you ever be successful going down your path alone?

… its one of those books.  That just ends.  Nothing more to be said.  Thank you for listening.

tick tock

time is running out and you must feel it as you expressed it today.  no im not mad.  i dont know that im sad anymore as im indifferent.  i finished building my wall.  my wall of strength that you cannot climb over.  and if you cant climb over it you cannot hurt me ever again.  with your words.  with your dismissals.  with your threats.  with your hate.  ive shut down.  ive shut you out.  you can argue that our breaking was all my fault but its your words and your actions that broke me.  im okay with picking up the pieces.  ive been trying to do it with you.  pushing forward trying not to look back but every time i close my eyes i relive it.  every day.  the anger.  the disappointment.  the hate.  the evil words.  you just let me go.  but now you want me back.  to stay.  forever.  ive been trying but i do think im very close to failing. 

 

i cried again today.  i will get down on my knees and beg that today is the last day i shed a tear over how bad you make me feel.

lather rinse repeat

ive said it before.  you have to learn how to fight fair.  and i think i do.  you.. you dont.  and each time you tell me about my short comings and what you dont like about me you talk me out of us.  push me away.  shove me away.  if thats where you really want me to be.  far from you.  you make it easy.  i look at the year we have in the palm of my hand and i spread my fingers and let it slip through.  less and less.  until theres nothing left.

i never said fuck you.  you did.  and that i cant forget.  and that i cant forgive.

Im still broken inside

the fight was weeks ago.  and you seem okay.  im not.  but i think im putting on a good front.

but im extremely broken and worried ill never feel okay about us again.

im sorry.  but you broke us and you broke me.  i still love you but i have loved you more than i do today.  than i will tomorrow.  than i will in the future.  im scared.  im scared to admit more is slipping away each and every day.  i dont know what you can do to make it right.  but.  im trying.

this is my apology if i fail.

a.a.w.

After A While
©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…